Hello, from the other side...

So, this is my first blog post... EVER... and it's not really the cheeriest start.
I came across this quote today, whilst in a fairly reflective mood:

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

Now, I think you could read that in several different ways.  I chose to read it as; it's what dies within you, when you lose someone you love.

A few years ago I lost two incredibly important people in my life, my parents.  I don't think that's something you ever really get over, and I guess I'm hoping that writing this blog will be a kind of outlet for me.  

Like most people, I have good days, and I have bad days.  My good days are great. I'm happy, chatty, and thankful for all the great things, and people, that I still have in my life.  My bad days are really dark, darker than dark.  I suffer with recurring nightmares about the loss of my parents, I don't know if that will ever change.  I guess, 2-3 times per week I will have these terrors, and have had for the last few years.  Last night my poor housemate was woken by the screaming, and had to shake me awake. She's currently considering moving out... I wonder why?  :) 

I've tried medication, meditation, lotions, potions, and all manner of remedies, but, to no avail. So, I thought I'd write.

I have a huge amount of guilt over the loss of my parents.  I'm not going to go into all that here (after all, I'm not paying you by the hour to read this).

I know that everyone loses someone at some point in their life, and I'm not saying that my loss was any worse than anything anyone else has been through.  However, it is my loss.  My parents were amazing people.  We were close.  They were accepting and loving, and truly my biggest cheerleaders in everything I would do.

I often wonder if this would be easier if I had faith.  The truth is, I don't.  I'm not religious, I don't believe in an almighty "God"... or really an afterlife at all.  It might be easier to imagine them sat on a cloud, looking down, watching over me.

What I'm about to say next may sound weird... Losing my parents has made me into the person I am today.  For better or worse.

But, I would still give anything to have them both back in my life. 

Jay <3