For the past few years I've suffered with really low self-esteem. I know that this is something that's really common, seemingly more so these days with my age group, and younger.
I used to come across as a really confident guy... somewhat cocky at times. This changed a few years ago. I'm not blaming my relationship at the time... but it was basically all my ex's fault LOL (not LOL) :)
Actually, that's not true... it was my fault for putting up with it for so long. I was with my ex for 6 years, from my early twenties. I moved to London for work prospects, met him, and we were inseparable. Things were pretty good for a time, but then it started to change.
It started off as casual comments he would make to me, things that would put me down. He'd belittle me in front of our friends, correcting everything I would say... He's make fun of my accent, being from the north of England I did kind of stand out among all the Londoners. Anyway, he was making me feel pretty useless and dumb. Now, I'm not saying I'm the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not completely dumb either. I loved him a ridiculous amount, so I didn't really see this behaviour at the time, but the power of hindsight is a wonderful thing.
When I split with this guy, I found out he had been cheating for a couple of years. Yes, that was fun, as you can imagine.
It sort of them made sense to me, a little more. Over the course of that two years he had put me down a lot, and I had started to believe it. I mean, if the person I loved was saying it, surely it must be true? He would tell me that I was stupid, or ugly, or fat, and that no one else would ever want me, I always thought that was weird as I didn't want anyone else. We also stopped being intimate as often, which should have been a warning sign, but I was oblivious... I'm guessing he was tired! :P
It kind of left me a little broken. I joke about it a bit... I would say I have more baggage than a footballers wife on a weekend trip to Marbella... or, I have more issues than Vogue (that's my personal favourite!).
Actually I kind of believe that though... I'm a difficult person, at times. Believe it or not... I'm not all sunshine and rainbows. I'm crippled with self doubt, jealousy and several other negative character traits. I'm quite the fucking catch! :D
So, the reason I am saying all of this, is because I wanted to say thank you to someone who is really being incredibly patient with me... and all of this.
Zain, thank you. I love you. I'm constantly shocked and surprised by your level of understanding and compassion. Thanks for letting me have my rants and meltdowns, and still being there to talk afterwards. I'd love to say that there won't be any more meltdowns, but we both know... as Maury would say... THAT'S A LIE!
Jay x
Great post!
ReplyDeleteAs you say, most of us suffer from low self-esteem at times. I would think it is especially difficult after being in an abusive relationship for a long time. Good going in getting out of it, never let it happen again!
Be good to yourself and praise yourself for getting out of a bad commitment. Allow yourself the occasional rant and meltdown, they are good for the soul and for rubbing away scabs. Just be careful so you don't hurt the people who love you and care for you while you are on a rampage. As you heal and allowing time you will heal, sure there will be a few scars but show me anyone who doesn't have those. Wear them with pride and don't let your past bad experiences control your life going further.
Until you feel better, just do what I do when I have an off day. Fake it, ´til you make it! It actually does work ;)
Thank you so much for your words. Great advice, I always try not to lash out, I tend to shut down instead. I’m my own worst critic, and very tough on myself.
DeleteThanks again x
Your story is totally relatable. I have gone through similar situations. I found my strength after reading a poem by Maya Angelou, Still I rise. Here is a small part.
ReplyDeleteYou may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.