Onwards and upwards...

So, I haven't posted here for a very long time.

I've been avoiding my mind as much as humanly possible, lately.  Not that easy, as it turns out.

I've had a lot going on in RL.  Yes, I know, we all have a lot going on in RL, but I guess it had started to get to me a little.

I was in the very fortunate position of having two job offers on the table.  One with my existing employer, and one with a client who I've worked closely with for a couple of years.  Both positions had their positives, and both had negatives too.  It's been a really difficult decision.

Now, those of you that have tuned in before, will know that I am no stranger to overthinking. So, obviously I've played out every possible scenario of accepting and declining both positions, everything I could conceive of, in my tiny mind.

As a huge fan of the disaster movie genre, I've realised that I am also a huuuuuge catastrophiser.  Great word, huh?  I see every worst case scenario possible. EVERYTHING!  If it COULD happen, it WILL happen.  At the very least... in my head.

Anyway, long story short... I finally declined the position with my client, at the end of last week.  He was really nice about it, looks forward to continuing to work together closely, and has said if I change my mind, to let him know.  Pretty much the perfect scenario... who would've thought?

Today, I accepted the position with my current employer.  It's more responsibility, more line management, more travel, more strategic thinking... and yes, more money.  Actually the money isn't my motivation, I just hate the idea who else might get the job if I don't accept it!  LOL

I'm nervous, thrilled, terrified... and most of all excited!  

Now then, Jason, in the famous words of Mama Ru... Don't fuck it up!  

Thanks for tuning in to another "thrilling" instalment of blah blah blah...

Jay <3 

Unapologetically: Living my life on SLFB!

So, I was recently "accused" of living my life on Facebook, or more accurately SLFB.

It kind of got me thinking about what we all choose to share, and what we withhold on SLFB.

I'm not the world's most exciting human being in RL.  I have a pretty busy job, which keeps me out at weird hours, a few close friends, and not much family.  I work at home a bit, so that allows me to be fairly active online.  Apparently this has not gone unnoticed by some.

I share a fair bit of my SLife, and some of RL too, and as far as I'm concerned that's my choice.  I'm a chronic oversharer, probably... guilty as charged... but, honestly, so what?

Yes, you may get bored of my Flickr, and blog posts... or yet another picture of me snuggling my man.  

Guess what, you all have a choice to share what you want, as do I.  You also have another choice... unfollow... unfriend... whatever you feel works for you. 

I promise you one thing... I'm fully aware of the level of annoying I can bring at times  :)  So, zero hard feelings.  It's absolutely impossible to be everybody's cup of tea.  

Maybe something a little cheaper would suit your palate.  Ooooh guuuuuurl, the shade! 

In the immortal words of Lady Sovereign "Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession" ;)

However, you shady-ass hoes got blocked.  No doubt one of your alts can access this blog post!  Knock yourself out!  :)

Laters, haters... Jay <3

Fuck Cancer!

It's been a while since I wrote a personal blog.  I'm not really sure why I'm even writing this.

Let me start by saying... this isn't about me, I don't want or need sympathy for this.  It's just a way for me to deal with some of the feelings I'm having at the moment.  

As some of you already know, I have a friend who is currently battling cancer.  He's 34 years old, and has bowel cancer.  He's undergoing treatment, but this doesn't seem to be working as the doctors would hope.

We found out, yesterday, that his cancer has grown.

My friend is funny, intelligent, loving, caring, and generally an all-round nice guy.  He's that person that no one has a bad word to say about.  He's married to a loving husband, they had just been accepted to progress to adopt a baby, when he was diagnosed.

He has a brilliant, supportive family.  His parents accepted him from day one, and always have been, and still are, a major part of his life.

So, basically... I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm sad.  I'm really fucking pissed off.

My heart feels like it's breaking for them all.

I don't know how to even begin to think about what might happen.  I'm losing my mind over it all.

I'm continuing to plod through my day to day life.  Dealing with unimportant shit.  Making mountains out of mole hills... when really, none of it matters.

It's a times like this that I really miss hugs.  Having a special someone reach out, grab hold of me, and just tell me that they're there.  

Now, of course, this is SL.  I'm lucky.  I have someone special in my SLife, and I consider him part of my RL too.  However, hugs are impossible... and that is really fucking difficult at times.  No ones fault, just the reality of our situation.

Anyway... as I said, this is not about me.  I am continuing to help my friend, wherever I can.  He told me that some friends have withdrawn.  I understand that... none of us really know what to say.  Guess what?  Me either!  We mainly just talk about everything other than his cancer.  All of the mundane stuff... and obviously cute guys on TV.

So, I guess I've rambled on enough... I'll leave you with this one thing.  If you know someone in your life who is struggling, whether it is cancer or something else.  

Reach out.  Make time.  Be there.

Jay <3

Low self-esteem.

So, I've been thinking about writing this for a few days, and I finally thought I'd give it a go... it'll also give you a little break from my fashionista blog! LOL

For the past few years I've suffered with really low self-esteem.  I know that this is something that's really common, seemingly more so these days with my age group, and younger.

I used to come across as a really confident guy... somewhat cocky at times.  This changed a few years ago.  I'm not blaming my relationship at the time... but it was basically all my ex's fault LOL (not LOL)  :)

Actually, that's not true... it was my fault for putting up with it for so long.  I was with my ex for 6 years, from my early twenties.  I moved to London for work prospects, met him, and we were inseparable.  Things were pretty good for a time, but then it started to change.

It started off as casual comments he would make to me, things that would put me down.  He'd belittle me in front of our friends, correcting everything I would say... He's make fun of my accent, being from the north of England I did kind of stand out among all the Londoners.  Anyway, he was making me feel pretty useless and dumb.  Now, I'm not saying I'm the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not completely dumb either.  I loved him a ridiculous amount, so I didn't really see this behaviour at the time, but the power of hindsight is a wonderful thing.

When I split with this guy, I found out he had been cheating for a couple of years.  Yes, that was fun, as you can imagine.

It sort of them made sense to me, a little more.  Over the course of that two years he had put me down a lot, and I had started to believe it.  I mean, if the person I loved was saying it, surely it must be true?  He would tell me that I was stupid, or ugly, or fat, and that no one else would ever want me, I always thought that was weird as I didn't want anyone else.  We also stopped being intimate as often, which should have been a warning sign, but I was oblivious... I'm guessing he was tired!  :P

It kind of left me a little broken.  I joke about it a bit... I would say I have more baggage than a footballers wife on a weekend trip to Marbella... or, I have more issues than Vogue (that's my personal favourite!).  

Actually I kind of believe that though... I'm a difficult person, at times.  Believe it or not... I'm not all sunshine and rainbows.  I'm crippled with self doubt, jealousy and several other negative character traits.  I'm quite the fucking catch!  :D

So, the reason I am saying all of this, is because I wanted to say thank you to someone who is really being incredibly patient with me... and all of this.

Zain, thank you.  I love you.  I'm constantly shocked and surprised by your level of understanding and compassion.  Thanks for letting me have my rants and meltdowns, and still being there to talk afterwards.  I'd love to say that there won't be any more meltdowns, but we both know... as Maury would say... THAT'S A LIE!

Jay x

Distance...

I think this is something so many of us go through, thanks to the nature of Second Life... 

Long distance relationships...

I've been in SL for almost 4 years now.  I joined after a fairly horrendous split with my RL ex.  I guess I joined SL as a sort of rebound.  I mean, in my eyes, it beat going out and sleeping around in RL.

I never expected to still be part of SL all the time later.  I thought I'd join for a weekend and that'd be it.  Something grabbed onto me, and here I still am.

Over the course of my time in SL, I've obviously met lots of people, and some have been very special to me... they know who they are.

Long distance relationships are a tricky thing, huh?  They really play on every insecurity that a human being can have... all at once.  

I honestly never realised how jealous I am, as a person, until I had a Second Life relationship.  This also probably has something to do with my cheating scumbag RL ex :)

I guess we all carry our RL baggage with us, and that includes taking it into SL.

Until SL, if someone had told me they were in a long distance relationship... I probably would have laughed, and dismissed it.  Now, I have my RL friends doing just that to me.  I'm in a relationship in SL, but we also class that as RL.  I'm off the market in both worlds, and that's something my RL friends don't seem to grasp.  They try to set me up with friends of friends, they tell me guys are looking at me, they suggest I join countless dating apps.  They just don't understand it, because they've never experienced it.

They are exactly where I was... before SL.

Long distance relationships are definitely challenging... but they can also hugely rewarding.

Timezones are a massive fucking pain in the arse!  There, I said it.  Just had to get that off my chest!  They make it difficult to manage schedules, and sometimes it's frustrating when you just can't make that hangout time work with all that RL throws at you.

RL really gets in the way sometimes! :(

Something I love about SL... you really get to know someone so much better in the course of a day, than you would on a first date in RL.  Generally people are fairly open, when you make that connection.  Sure, people only share what they want you to know, but it can be deep.

So, do long distance relationships have to be heading to a meeting in RL?  What do you guys think?  I'd be interested to hear your views on that.

For me, in the past, I would've said no.  However, ask me today, and the answer is a definite YES!  That poses a whole other realm of difficulties... but if you both want it, I believe you can make it work.

I'm not going to embarrass them here, by naming them... but I've seen an example of it working.  A guy who moved from one side of the fucking world to the other, to be with the woman he loves.  That not only makes me melt inside... but gives me hope.

Distance CAN become reality :)

Loner... or lonely?

Second Life is a weird old place.  

Sometimes you can feel like you know everyone, and you're surrounded by fun and happiness.  Other times, you can feel so alone, like no one is there for you, and you're a constant annoyance if you do say "Hello!".  

I'm a self confessed loner... pretty much always have been in SL.  That doesn't mean that I don't like speaking to people, just the opposite.  I love to talk, about everything, and nothing.  I can't remember if my profile still says it, but it definitely used to say that I'm a "chatterbox".  In fact I used to get in trouble for being "too chatty" on some sims where people were perhaps after different things LOL

I'm guilty of not always initiating a conversation.  Not because I don't want to.  Generally because I worry that I'm overstepping, interrupting... or just being generally annoying. 

I wonder how many of us feel that way?

I sit... logged in... alone... in silence... waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting for fuck knows what.

So, I was never the popular kid at school.  I had a few close friends, but I wasn't surrounded by friends, and I certainly wasn't invited to all the cool parties.  A lot of people didn't really know how to deal with the gay kid in class.  Like, how do you talk to "one of those"? So I adapted, and developed this loner mentality.

I think describing myself as a loner is a safety mechanism, for me.  Like, if I'm a loner... it won't affect me if people don't say hello, or make contact with me.  

I'm gonna let you into a secret... it does.

Anyway... I guess, it is what it is.  Some days are chatty, some days less so.  My own fault, mainly.  No one else to blame.

Jay <3 

Hello, from the other side...

So, this is my first blog post... EVER... and it's not really the cheeriest start.
I came across this quote today, whilst in a fairly reflective mood:

"Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

Now, I think you could read that in several different ways.  I chose to read it as; it's what dies within you, when you lose someone you love.

A few years ago I lost two incredibly important people in my life, my parents.  I don't think that's something you ever really get over, and I guess I'm hoping that writing this blog will be a kind of outlet for me.  

Like most people, I have good days, and I have bad days.  My good days are great. I'm happy, chatty, and thankful for all the great things, and people, that I still have in my life.  My bad days are really dark, darker than dark.  I suffer with recurring nightmares about the loss of my parents, I don't know if that will ever change.  I guess, 2-3 times per week I will have these terrors, and have had for the last few years.  Last night my poor housemate was woken by the screaming, and had to shake me awake. She's currently considering moving out... I wonder why?  :) 

I've tried medication, meditation, lotions, potions, and all manner of remedies, but, to no avail. So, I thought I'd write.

I have a huge amount of guilt over the loss of my parents.  I'm not going to go into all that here (after all, I'm not paying you by the hour to read this).

I know that everyone loses someone at some point in their life, and I'm not saying that my loss was any worse than anything anyone else has been through.  However, it is my loss.  My parents were amazing people.  We were close.  They were accepting and loving, and truly my biggest cheerleaders in everything I would do.

I often wonder if this would be easier if I had faith.  The truth is, I don't.  I'm not religious, I don't believe in an almighty "God"... or really an afterlife at all.  It might be easier to imagine them sat on a cloud, looking down, watching over me.

What I'm about to say next may sound weird... Losing my parents has made me into the person I am today.  For better or worse.

But, I would still give anything to have them both back in my life. 

Jay <3